It's been challenging at times lately dealing with a lot of things. You have grieving & the winter blues, throw some pregnancy hormones in there and yeah, it makes for some tough days (and I'm not even throwing in all the day to day stuff). Ok, so saying "tough" is putting it mildly to be honest. Very few people know my daily struggles because most run from that intimate detail the second they hear you say you aren't doing so good. So usually the standard answer to "how are you" is "ok". Because honestly even in my grief, I am still sensitive to others feelings and hate making people feel uncomfortable.
Sure, some days are good and I get a glimpse of some sense of normalcy. Well, the "new normal", as life as I knew it will never be the same. And I am thankful for those days as I know in time I will see more of them.
But it's also a struggle for me to see how others have been towards me since losing Noah. It's hard enough dealing with all that I have to but then add in everything else, well, I feel pretty alone at times. As one person told me recently "everyone is there for the drama but no one is around later on". And those later on times are some of the hardest. I've experianced being ignored, avoided and excluded, which are some of the worst things to do to someone who is already feeling isolated from grief. Sometimes it's intentional other times it's not. Irregardless, the exclusion is a constant reminder that we are different from most other people around us which hurts. Even when it's done out of "good intent" thinking we may not be up for it, it's still hurtful. Don't assume we may not want to be a part of something or be up for it, ask & let us make that decision. Just being asked, no matter what our answer is, can mean the world & let's us know we are being thought of and still included.
My grief/bad days get taken personally which then causes more avoidance. So at times I feel like I need to put my happy face on just so those few people around me won't turn & run the other way. Which in the end causes me more issues to deal with as I feel like I then need to watch what I say or do so it doesn't get misinterpreted, when all it is is our grief speaking & nothing more. I guess I am a people pleaser & have a hard time just focusing on myself even with all I've gone through. Though I am trying to work on that for my own health.
I know the standard thing a grieving person is told is "let me know if you need something, or call me if you want to talk or do something, etc". Well I can tell you that's the last thing most grieving people will do as it makes us feel like we are being a burden or forcing ourselves on someone who may have just said that to be nice. I have appreciated & been thankful for those people who have taken charge for me when I simply can't. Those of you that know me personally know that is so opposite of my personality as I'm normally the leader & outgoing one. But there are times I just am not able to.
Anyway, maybe this was just a rambling of words making no sense or others reading this are saying gee it's been long enough get over it. Whatever your thoughts, I felt lead to share just a brief glimpse into some of the things I've been dealing with at times as I know there are others out there also struggling or may possibly have someone else in their life who might need a hand right now. It's hard to open up at times and share because you know there are people out there judging you & thinking they know better. It's my hope & prayer that maybe this will help someone else in some way only God knows about.
I found another blogger who shared some great thoughts herself that may be helpful to others out there who may have a grieving person in their life: (I believe there are about 10 topics) How to Help Your Grieving Friend